A weekend of denials...

My brother says I have a gift.
It is particular, and it is visible, but I'd rather deny this gift and claim some other gift instead.
In fact this gift frustrates me a little, if it is to be called such a thing. I could almost substitute the word "talent" instead, but I believe wholeheartedly that this "gift" has been given to me, and to take credit for a "talent" would assuredly mock the gift-giver.

My flesh would rather just call it a nuisance, but I am certain it came down from the Father of lights (Ja 1:17). Afterall, it is good. Not necessarily to my good, but it is most definitely good. And it is also perfect; for I see perfection carried out in its action, and God has made me responsible for sharing his good and perfect gift.

It is also because of this gift that I say I denied Christ three times this past weekend. At church yesterday I pleaded with my Lord for forgiveness from these sins of omission, and my gracious king brought, yet again, redemption to my heart, mind, and soul.

So here are the three denials, in chronological order:

First Denial @ Wagner's Meat Market.
I frequently visit this gas station at night when I crave something to drink. I was walking into the store when a lady asked me for some spare change. I quickly told her I had no money and went on to buy my drink. That Vitamin Water never tasted so gluttonous!

Second Denial @ the Southern Decadence Festival.
I went to my church on Friday night to visit my pastor and some friends. Pastor Greg had assembled some people together for prayer. In the meantime, the participants of Southern Decadence were all around us in the French Quarter. This festival, which celebrates gay life, occurs every year on Labor Day weekend. We had our doors wide open while we sang some praise songs together. Can I just say here that I was honored to praise God during such a time. We all felt the need to inhabit the air with God's praises since the French Quarter was so void of it during that weekend.
I was about to leave with my friend when I felt his presence drawing me to the festival, not away from it. I do believe God has created us, his children, to run towards the fire, not away from it. I had previously talked with a few men on the streets and told them to be safe, but I had kept my passion a secret, and passions are never kept secret which made me wonder if it was my passion at all.
Once more I was beckoned to go into the heart of the festival, and once more I turned away and went home. Denial number two.

Third Denial @ Wagner's Meat Market.
On this occassion, I was restless. I just couldn't sleep. So I decided to get something to drink at my favorite late-night watering hole.
As I was driving, which is less than a minute away, I told God I would give help this time if someone would ask. I had only brought change with me. $1.75, plus a handful of pennies, which meant I only had enough for one drink.
As I got out of my car, a man sitting, holding a cane and void of any hope on his face, asked me if I could spare some change.
Why I do not know, and I forever curse myself for passing such moments by, but I told the man, "sorry," and went inside the store...

shame...

I passed by him on my way out, holding my drink, and left to live my life of selfishness.

On this third visible denial, amongst many others during the weekend, I realized that my gift is being squandered and I am not pleasing my Lord with the gift he has given me.

I am captivated by Robbie Seay Band's latest album, "Give Yourself Away." In the song, "Go Outside," Robbie sings a line that has brought me low;

NO ONE SHOULD BE LEFT OUT

NO ONE SHOULD BE LEFT OUT

NO ONE SHOULD BE LEFT OUT

NO ONE SHOULD BE LEFT OUT

My brother says that the homeless and destitute are naturally drawn to me. I just hope I won't deny God's right to use his gift in his servant anymore. Pray that I may do so from here on out.